January 31st, 2022

Photo by Mikhail Nilov on Pexels.com

I am not the Woman that has it all together. Even after 9 Months, the scars, the memories, the trauma is still fresh in my mind. Sometimes it takes me several days to write these posts. Sometimes I have to shut the laptop and walk away. But what I’ve learned is that I have support. I have built a community that stands by me. People who are proud of me. People who hold my hand, who listen to me as I pour out my heart and soul. People who hold me as I cry and tell my story. Because yes, even 9 Months later, the pain is still there. But it will not stay there. The more I talk about it, the more I cry, the more I tell my story, the stronger I become. And the more I heal.

So here we go….

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Month 9 taught me that I can trust myself. My gut instincts and intuition were spot on.

My 10 year old daughter spent Christmas break with her father. When she returned she informed me that she met his new girlfriend and her family. As she told me about it, she mentioned the girlfriend’s name. I recognized it immediately. It was the same name of the 24 year old that my husband was having an emotional affair with prior to us separating. The emotional affair that he promised to end. The same woman that he continued to secretly talk to until I checked our phone bill and discovered the truth. The same secret affair that caused me to say, enough is enough. The same woman that I text messaged and introduced myself to. I wanted her to know I existed. That I was his wife, the mother of his children, and a kind hearted person that was desperately fighting for her marriage. The same woman that he told his mother was just a friend. The woman he told his mother was there for him when he was struggling in our marriage so he needed to be there for her during the struggles in her relationship. The woman he said he would never date because she was having domestic violence issues with her boyfriend and he didn’t need that type of drama in his life.

This is why they call it betrayal. It hurts. It doesn’t hurt that he is dating someone, it hurts that he is dating her. Because everything I questioned him about, that I begged him to be honest with me about, that he swore was just in my head, were all lies. Not only did he lie to me, he lied to our Therapist, our family, our friends, and most of all, he lied to himself. It could have been anyone else and I would have been happy for him. Just not her.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about her. “The other woman”. When did we go wrong as Woman to think that it was acceptable to engage in a relationship with another woman’s husband? There’s no excuse. The second I sent her that text message, she knew he was married. Yet, she still chose to be with him even even after we separated.

I gave myself permission to move on.

I found a great guy who has so far proven to be trustworthy, genuine, and caring. We have become best friends and enjoy each other’s company. I have asked God to give me the strength to open up my heart and trust again. I have asked God to give me the strength to let go of the hurt and anger. I asked Him to give me the strength to forgive. I want to be happy.

So, when the guy I’m dating (We will call him B) invited my girls and I to spend the week at the beach with him and his children, I said yes. The weather was perfect. It was relaxing and fun. We walked the beach, watched movies, shopped, went wine tasting, took the kids to the pool, relaxed in the hot tub, dined at local restaurants, and had our own private New Years Eve firework show. We took lots of photos, to include our kiss at midnight. B and I posted our photos on Facebook to share with our friends and family. The outpour of love and support for our friendship/relationship has been amazing. “Congratulations”, “I’m so Happy For You”, “You both deserve the best”. Funny little word, “deserve”. Isn’t it. In fact, B has told me multiple times that he doesn’t “deserve” me. I think I’ve thought several times, God, what did I do to “deserve” this Man? The relationship is still new. And although I’m not yet divorced, I feel I finally got it right. I found a man who values me, my friendship, and my life. A man who says he will “walk beside me” in life, and has. He understands words mean nothing to me. His actions mean everything.

Don’t ask why someone keeps hurting you. Ask yourself why you’re allowing them.

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I wish I could say I’m ending this post on a good note. I wish I could say we came home from the beach and everything has been sunshine and seashells. But it hasn’t. My soon to be ex-husband threw another wrench in my happy story. He texted me the night we got home from the beach that he “Couldn’t believe we did not spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years Eve together and you are o.k. with it?”. Now, I don’t know how many of you are familiar with the phrases- Narcissist, gaslighting, no contact, or trauma bond. If you’re not, feel free to click on each word to learn more. The short version is that Therapists recommend what’s called no-contact for their clients to assist them with healing from these toxic relationships. Because the Narcissist will sometimes attempt to draw their intimate partner back into the relationship (trauma bonding) for no other reason than to control them and they do this by gaslighting (making them feel guilty, bad, or “crazy”) for walking away. What I should have done was not respond, because that’s what he wanted, a response. But instead, I fell right into his trap and responded by saying “Really… says the guy that is dating the girl half his age that ruined our marriage. You got what you wanted, I hope you’re happy with your decision. I’m happy with mine. I forgive you”. And just like that, he knows that he still has me, that I am bothered, and that I do still care.

It’s been a long journey and I still have a long way to go. 12 months of healing is not going to be enough. But it’s a start. They say the best revenge for a survivor of a toxic relationship is to become successful. Abusers are generally sad, angry, unhappy people. They want to see you fall flat on your face and fail. Especially if you’re the one who walked away from them. But I’m not doing this for him, I’m doing it for me. That scared, sad, insecure person I used to be, is growing happier and stronger everyday. And I no longer care about him and his life. I only care about my happiness and the happiness of my girls.

God Bless you all!!! Until next time, stay safe.

Published by 12mos2heal

40 year old female sharing her story about betrayal and how to heal and become a happier me.

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