Just like always, my ex has once again outdone himself with the special occasions. He was always great at remembering special dates, picking the right card, treats, etc. He really knew how to make me feel special on a special day. If only he put that much effort into ordinary days. Here it is exactly 2.5 months from the last time that he reached out to me (If you're just tuning in, look back at
July 29th'sblog post). July 13th was our 14th Anniversary of when we first met. He surprised me that day with a text message telling me how much he missed his family and still loved us, after our separation. He said he still wanted to be friends. However, he never followed through with an explanation or an action plan of making that happen. Instead he refused to go to my oldest daughters (who he has raised for the last 14 years) 16th Birthday party, rarely takes advantage of his visitation with our girls, and rarely communicates or co-parents with me. It's very confusing, hurtful, and just doesn't make any sense. But, why would I expect anything different. This is what he did during our 14 year relationship and marriage. His actions never backed up his words.
The other day I met him at my job to exchange custody of our youngest child. I got out of the car and began to walk with her towards his vehicle. He got out of his car and walked towards me. He took the items out of my hand and hugged me. I was surprised. I didn’t want to be rude, so I hugged him back. He then proceeded to pull me closer and hold me tighter. I tried to pull away but he held me tighter. I don’t know how else to explain it but he hugged me like I had just told him I was dying and it would be the last time he would ever see me. I asked him why he was hugging me? I don’t remember exactly what he said but I do remember him asking me if I was o.k.? I said I was. I explained to him that it was weird that he was hugging me. He finally pulled away and continued to ask me how work was going? I told him fine. He continued with small talk, something he never did. He was never really one to ask me how I was feeling or doing.
I hugged and kissed our daughter, told her goodbye, got into my car and drove into the gated area of my workplace. I was in shock. What the hell was that? What just happened?
Later on that night I received a text from him. Another big surprise. It said that the reason he hugged me was because he really missed me and the kids. He explained that a few months separated from each other was not going to erase the 14 years that we spent together. He said he still loved me and missed our friendship. What? Who was this guy? I don’t mean to sound heartless, but what friendship? We had spent the last few years fighting about everything. We couldn’t have sex, watch a movie/show, go out to eat, or go on a family trip without having a heated argument. Not to mention it had gotten to the point that I basically had to beg him to spend time with me or to have a conversation with me without a Therapist mediating. We started the Therapy after I became suspicious he was seeing someone else and found out that he was having an emotional affair/friendship with another Woman. Just like now, he was given the opportunity to have a family and friendship with his wife and kids but didn’t make the effort to do so. Not to mention he lied about not ending that friendship. That’s why I made the decision to separate.
I am no longer a fool and know better than to give my time and energy to someone who has proven over and over again that they are unwilling to respect me. Someone who continues to take advantage of what they can get from the relationship while putting in little to no effort in return. So excuse me for not buying his bullshit or giving him the benefit of the doubt this time. But, I kindly asked him to tell me what is was that he missed about our friendship that he was wanting again. He said he wanted us to still get together as a family and do family activities. Ummmm… what? We’re not a family, anymore. Oh my God!! My head hurts. Here he goes again playing mind games when I was doing so well. Here he is trying to pull me back into the toxic cycle. This time I responded with- “You’re not being very forthcoming with your expectations. Therefore, I’m going to continue with moving on with my life. However, I am willing to go back to the Marriage Therapist for the purposes of navigating Co-Parenting, because it sounds like that is what you are asking for. Just let me know if that works for you?” He replied with a thumbs up and the words- OK. I already know he has no plans to schedule that appointment.
I still continue to give my ex every opportunity to prove that what he says is what he means. However, he continues to fill my head with these wonderful words and mixed messages of wanting to be a family again. He has yet to make any effort to follow through with what he says and then goes months without communicating again. Why do I continue to respond or even entertain his words you may ask? Because, at the end of the day I want to be able to say that I gave him every opportunity to change, before filling for divorce. But, as I explained to him, I have no plans to put my life on hold and wait for him to decide if he wants to be a part of a family or just have a family on standby when it’s convenient for him. I want to be apart of something real. I’m moving on. My girls and I deserve to have consistency.